The Sleeping Princess
by Dryad7
Summary: Once upon a time, in a galaxy far away, lived a beautiful princess...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N. It was brought to my attention that I should really write a disclaimer. Here goes. I'll only do this once.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, the Grinch that stole Christmas, Sherlock Holmes, or anything in this story. Except for maybe the cool idea. **_

**Yeah.**

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, away, a princess, a knight, a scoundrel, a furry warrior, a ghost, and two droids tried to overthrow the reign of the evil wizards, and this is what would have happened if Palpatine had any sense (or not…)


	2. Chapter 2

Once upon a time in a faraway galaxy, a fair princess was captured by an evil wizard…

"NOOOOOO!" Screamed Leia. "I refuse to marry someone as hideously wrinkly and evil as you!" She struggled with the evil wizard Sideous, but he was far too powerful. "You dare to reject me? Well, then, I have the perfect revenge…"

"What are you going to do to me?" she gasped in horror, as the wizard raised his arms and began to chant.

_Sleep little princess, don't say a word_

_Jedis can't save you with their shiny swords_

_You will sleep for a million years_

_Or at least till I forget this song or clean my shears_

Leia stared at him. "You know that made absolutely no sense, right? –And I thought they were called lightsabers."

"SLEEP! SLEEP!" shrieked the aggravated Emperor/wizard. Strangely enough, Leia began to feel very drowsy. "What have—you—done…"


	3. Chapter 3

Once upon a time in a faraway galaxy…

**One Million years later…**

**(Give or take about nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine years, three hundred and sixty days, and 24 minutes)**

"Luke, where did that annoying princess get too? She hasn't been around for the last few days."

"Gee, you're right, Han. I wonder what's up."

Just then, Artoo trundled in, bleeping—I mean beeping—up a storm. Luke crouched beside him. "What's up little fella? A message? Well, let's see it."

A crackly blue hologram popped up. "Hello, young Skywalker," cackled the insanely annoying voice of Darth Sideous. "You will never see Princess Leia again, for I have stolen her away for my own, and-" The sounds of a short scuffle and a screeching princess followed, and then Leia's head popped up. "Luke, come save me, we're on Nab—" "Pay no attention to her, Skywalker, I am—" The communication cut off there. "Oh my," Threepio stressed. "This is most disastrous."

"We have to go save her!" cried Luke, feeling heroic and selfless.

"Whatever you say kid, but where exactly were you planning on going?" Han asked snarkily.

"Didn't you hear her; she said they were on Naboo!"

"Do you think the Emperor is stupid enough to stay there after she said that?"

"Yes!" replied Luke naively.

"Well, fine kid, you do whatever you want, but you're not taking my ship."

Han should have been paying more attention to the gleam in Luke's eye…


	4. Chapter 4

Once upon a time in a faraway galaxy…

Han was sleeping peacefully, nestled comfortably in his bunk. All of a sudden, he was thrown to the wall, as the Millennium Falcon shuddered and jerked.

_What is going on_, he wondered. Then he remembered. "KID!" he bellowed. "YOU ARE SO DEAD!" He rushed over and tried to open the door, but it was locked. "Chewie! Let me out!" A deep moan answered him. "What do you mean, not now? Chewie, they're hijacking my ship!" Chewie growled. "Chewie, how could you do this to me?"

"Chewie, how are we doing? Did our jump to hyperspeed go OK?" Luke felt slightly bad for hijacking Han's ship, but the princess was important…at least, more important than Han. _I wonder what the Emperor is doing to her? I hope he isn't making her watch blues clues again. She hummed annoyingly for weeks after that._

Flashback on Naboo, six days earlier…

"NOOOOOOOOO! The clue is right behind you, you…you…imbecile!" The Emperor chuckled. "I love this show."


	5. Chapter 5

Once upon a time, sill in a galaxy far, far away…

"LUKE! I'm GONNA KILL YOU! AND THAT GOLDEN SCRAP HEAP! AND CHEWIE! AND HER WORSHIPFULNESS THE PRINCESS! DO YOU HEAR ME? I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"

Luke sighed. "Is he ever going to stop yelling, Chewie? You would think he would have run out of breath by now. He's been screaming for over—" Luke checked his watch. "—six standard hours now."

Chewie sighed. Luke wouldn't stop talking heroically, Han had been screaming since they hit hyperspeed, and Threepio was nagging him about what they were going to do once they reached Naboo. Then he grinned—a mischievous, difficult to notice grin. (If only he had known how much he looked like the Grinch just then.) Easing out of the copilot's seat, and leaving Luke talking to thin air, he went to go find a certain golden droid…

_Ten minutes later._

"Are you sure that the soundproof room is through here, Chewbacca? I must say, it will be nice to have a break from Master Solo's inharmonious screeching. It will do me good to give my circuits a rest..," Threepio began to trot—insofar as droids can trot—down the corridor. He did not notice how near he was to the door of Han's room…it was too late. With the speed of a Wookie (which makes sense, because he is one) Chewie picked him up, opened the door of Han's room, and tossed him in, locking the door as quickly as possible. Chewie gave a sigh of satisfaction as he marched back to the cockpit. Now, if only he could get Luke to hush…

….

"The ship is approaching, Lord Sideous. They should be here in approximately seven standard hours, forty-three standard minutes, and seventeen standard seconds, my lord."

"Excellent," grinned the hideous Sideous. (Ha! A rhyme!) "Soon the young Jedi will become my new apprentice, and the princess will have to fall for me! She IS in love with him, right?"

"I have no idea, my lord."


	6. Chapter 6

Once upon a time, in a faraway galaxy…

"We're approaching the planet, Chewie. I think we're gonna have to crash-land, because for some reason the ship's not responding to me. There's a convenient-looking patch of flat ground over there. I'll try and aim for it with the ship." Luke gritted his teeth, looking very heroic, and landed the ship, ignoring the few pieces of equipment that flew off.

"KID! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SHIP!" roared Han, once again attempting to batter down his door. Ignoring him, Luke turned to Chewbacca and said, "Okay, we need to find a gullible native and con them into telling us where the princess is. We can't use force, 'cause that's not the Jedi way." Chewbacca moaned questioningly. "No, we can use THE Force, but we can't use force, like pulling people's heads off."

Chewbacca growled.

"You can talk to Han about it later. Now, let's go save the princess!" Luke and Chewie carefully exited the ship, setting off in the direction Luke said 'feels right.' About twenty minutes later, they came upon a strange being with long, flappy, ear-thingies. It was about to eat a mushroom that Luke recognized as poisonous. He shouted, "DON'T EAT IT!" and forced (NOT Forced) it out of the creature's hands. After much Explanation, the creature (which might have been a he) said, "Well, muy thanks! Mesa Jim-Jim Banks, and mesa must stay wit you forever now, 'cuz mesa have life debt to you! Mesa thinks you muy muy cool, like Jedi! Mesa do whatever you want! Mesa wants to know, ummm… what is it you want?"

Luke wondered if he had done the right thing, saving…Jim-Jim's…life, but maybe he could help them find the princess. "We are trying to find Princess Leia. She was kidnapped by Emperor Palpatine. Can you help us?"

"Sure! Mesa likes to help muy muy greatly! Justa you be followin' me!"

Luke groaned…

…

Back at the ship…

"Finally, you're good for something, Goldenrod." Han and C-3PO emerged from the short-circuited hatch. Staring in horror, Han dashed out of the ship. "My ship! My beautiful Millennium Falcon! What has he done? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU LUKE! DO YOU HEAR ME? I'M GOING TO KILL YOOOUUU!"


	7. Chapter 7

Once upon a time, in a faraway galaxy…

Luke trudged through the swamp. This Jim-Jim creature was far more trouble than he was worth Luke thought briefly, longingly, of the lightsaber at his side, then thrust the treacherous thoughts away. _I am a Jedi,_ he said to himself._ I will resist this temptation._

Meanwhile, Chewbacca was also talking to himself. _One more time__,_ he growled. _If he says 'muy' one more time, I'm wringing his amphibian little neck. _

Inside Jim-Jim's mind…

_**Mesa so happy! Mesa has friends! Mesa going to show all them other Gungans he muy big stuff. Mesa like stuff! OOOH! Big tree! Mesa wonders if it's nummy. Mesa…**_

Pull out! Pull out! Danger of insanity!

_I'm never going to try to manipulate his brain again._

…

"Darth Vader, I need your help. Your troublesome son is back again, and he's trying to steal my princess. We must destroy him once and for all! Oh, and by the way, I have decided that we shall no longer encode any transmissions. It takes too long. Besides, it's predictable, and _Villain's Monthly_ says you should never be predictable. Also, bring me that new tape you found on Alderaan. I've never heard of this 'Barney' fellow."

"Wait, my Lord, about the transmissions…"

"Bye!"

Slapping his forehead, (through his helmet somehow) Darth Vader strode to the bridge to turn off encryption.


	8. Chapter 8

Once upon a time, in a faraway galaxy…

"Jim-Jim, how close are we to the palace?" Luke desperately wanted to save the princess and get off this evil planet, populated by insanely happy amphibians.

"Oh, wesa muy muy close, only about, ah, threeteen days away. Yep."

"Thirteen days! But we have to save the princess _now_!" Catching Chewbacca's attention, Luke shot a telling glance at Jim-Jim. This had gone on long enough.

"Now!" Luke and Chewie dashed to the left, crashing through brush and scaring small animals. After about ten minutes, the forest cleared and they beheld a beautiful city.

"Whoa. We just walked around for hours, and the palace was right here all along." Luke commented. Exasperated, he turned to Chewie and began to plan…

…

Peering through the bushes, Han muttered under his breath. "Curse you, Belloq. I will find you."

"Master Solo, who is this Belloq? I thought we were looking for Master Luke."

Han sighed. "Yes, Goldenrod, we're looking for that no-account moisture farmer that destroyed my beautiful ship. Would you please be quiet for a minute? I think I hear something." Tramping through the bushes came a long-eared amphibian who…

"Mesa so happy to see you! Mesa been lookin all over the place for my new friends. Mesa think they lost somewhere. Mesa must find them, so mesa can show cool Jedi off to muy boring friends! Who yousa?"

Han's ears perked up. "Jedi? We would love to help you find him. Where did you last see him?


	9. Chapter 9

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, away…

Luke and Chewbacca snuck inconspicuously through the non-existent tunnels under Naboo. Suddenly, Luke stopped. "Wait a minute, if these tunnels are non-existent, how are we sneaking through them?"

Hush, Luke. We're not breaking the Fourth wall until the final chapter.

"What's the fourth wall?"

You are not hearing the voice of the narrator.

"I am not hearing the voice of the narrator."

You will continue your adventure.

"I will continue my adventure."

You will run because Han just caught up with you.

"I will… oh. Hi, Han." Luke grinned weakly. Not only was he hearing voices, a bounty hunter with a murderous gleam in his eye had just caught up with him. "You aren't mad at me, are you?"

"Mad?" Han replied softly. "MAD?"

"RUN, CHEWIE!" Luke screamed. Ducking into an apparently abandoned alley, they came face to face with…

A squad of stormtroopers.

…

"Mesa so happy that shiny friend stay here! Yousa be my friend for muy long time, and mesa want to sing for joy!"

"Oh dear," muttered C-3PO, watching the stormtroopers march Han, Chewie, and Luke off to see the Emperor. "Do you think we should help them?"

-bleep boop bleetle plob bee-

"That is the most ridiculous idea I ever heard! We can't…wait, where is Jim-Jim going? Wait, come back!"

"Mesa going to save the Jedi, and be muy big stuff! See you later!"


	10. Chapter 10

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, away…

Luke felt confident. He may have just been arrested by storm troopers in the company of his current worst enemy, but he was getting closer to the princess! He could feel it with every step. As they entered the large palace, he noticed that there were only three walls in the entryway. _Wasn't there something about a fourth wall…? Oh well,_ he thought. _It's probably not important. _They entered the great hall, and saw, sitting on a massive orange throne, Darth Sideous.

Emperor of the Known Universe.

…

_**I'm going to kill him!**_ Han raged. _**I've been captured by the empire, and lost my ship, and been terrorized by an insanely happy amphibian! And he just sits there with that confident little smile on his face. I'm going kill him, I tell you! And his little dog too!**_

….

Sideous grinned wickedly. His plan was finally coming to its climax. He had the princess, and now he held the only person who could have ever rescued her. He rubbed his hands together, and began his carefully-prepared EvilVillainSpeech (patent pending).

"You thought you could steal the princess out from under my nose, eh? Well…and then I will finally be able to contemplate cheese in peace! Wait, what? Someone has sabotaged my speech cues! I will…"

But we will never know what he would have done, because at that moment a faintly sinister caped figure swung into the room and landed on Han, causing Sideous to gape in shock.

The figure pulled out an odd-looking sword and proclaimed. "Mesa here to save de day! For sparklies and Jedi! YAAAAAAAAH!"

Jim-Jim (for that was who it was) rushed at the emperor—

And totally missed him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

And fell out the window.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Thirty stories down.


	11. Chapter 11

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, away…

"Well," coughed the Emperor. "That was…interesting. What was I saying before that?"

"You were saying that you were going to free us and give us Princess Leia." Said Luke confidently.

"Oh yes… No I wasn't! You are destroying my evil plan! And brain washing me! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! I WILL DESTROY YOU AND TURN YOUR AWESOME HAIR INTO A PILLOW!"

…

"You think my hair is awesome?" Luke asked, grateful that someone had finally realized how amazing his hair was.

"No, you dimwit, I was talking about mister Solo. Isn't his hair dreamy?"

…

Han passed out.

…

As the giant spaceship-thing-that-actually-has-a-name-but-the-narrator-was-too-lazy-to-remember-what-it-was docked, Darth Vader strode off it, cloak whirling in the nonexistent wind, prepared to meet his master, Darth Sideous.

"Wait a minute, if the wind is nonexistent, how come my cloak is swishing?"

It's whirling, not swishing, and you ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT ME YET! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU SKYWALKERS ANYWAY? I DECIDE WHEN THE FOURTH WALL BREAKS! ME, THE NARRATOR! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

…

Anakin?

…

Answer me.

"How do you know my name?"

The Narrator sighed.

You will forget this entire conversation.

"I will forget this entire conversation."

You will obey the dictates of the Narrator.

"I will obey the dictates of the Narrator."

You will stop talking to invisible people because you just lost all credibility in the eyes of the stormtroopers.

"I will…Oh. Stop laughing, you herd of miserable automatons!" And with that, he Force-choked two dozen of his thirty troopers.


	12. Chapter 12

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, away…

"Mesa is alive!" gasps Jim-Jim. "Mesa tanking mysterious cloaked Jedis!" The two mysterious men glanced at each other. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all.

"Jim-Jim, it is imperative that we find Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa. Can you help us?" The shorter Jedi had a strangely cultured, almost British voice. His companion was looking towards the sky, with a strangely out-of-focus grimace.

"Master Qui-Gon, what are you looking at?"

Qui-Gon shook himself. "Nothing, Obi-Wan. Let us find the two… _**people we are looking for."**_

"Why are you talking like that?"

"_**The trees are always listening. Some of them are on Her side."**_

". . . What are you talking about?

"Let's go."

….

The Emperor sent the prisoners away in order to collect his thoughts. They had been very confusing, and he wanted to talk to Darth Vader in private.

On cue, Darth Vader strode into the room. "You called, my Lord?"

Sideous stared stupidly. (Ha, alliteration!) "No, I was just thinking about you. You can hear my thoughts?"

Anakin glared at the ceiling. "You stupid Narrator, stop speaking so loudly! You're making me look bad in front of both my underlings and my immediate superior!"

I don't have to do anything.

"What?"

Your 'immediate superior' is wondering if you are crazy right now.

"Wha—ARGH!"

…

As the story dashed helter-skelter toward its climax, the two droids stared at each other.

"R2, do you think the author has any idea what she's doing?"

*bleep bloot bleetle boop bont*

"Yes, there is a noticeable lack of plot. Wait a minute, she's writing down our words! She heard everything we just said. I hope we didn't offend her."

Just then, a herd of tauntauns, banthas, rats, and one thing that looked like the Abominable Snowmonster charged toward the two droids. They began to run.

*bleep woop bedel?*

"Yes, I think this means she's angry! RUN!"


	13. Chapter 13

In a galaxy far, away…..

"Master, who exactly are we looking for again?" Obi asked for the thirteenth time.

Qui-Gon sighed. Ever since they had come back from the dead, his apprentice had been acting like an ignorant teenager. It was almost like he'd reverted to his pre-death state. On second thought, maybe he had.

"Master? Are you there?" Qui-Gon sighed heavily. "Yes, I'm here. Obi-Wan, how old are you?"

"I'm sixty-four plus death and two months. You should know that last part, though. Why do you ask?"

"Because, Obi-Wan, it might be a good idea if you started acting your age and became an asset on this mission instead of a distraction." Qui-Gon sighed, heavily, once more, again, as he had the first two times.

Obi-Wan looked at him like a sad puppy, lower lip trembling. "Do you really think I'm distracting?" he asked quietly, then erupted with sobs. "I'M SORRY, MASTER! I WANTED TO SAVE YOU! I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T LIVE UP TO YOUR UNREALISTIC STANDARDS! I'LL GO LIVE IN THE HINTERLANDS OF BOODA AND LEAVE YOU ALONE!"

Qui-Gon winced. "It's alright, Obi-Wan. I was joking. Why don't you think of a way to find the young Skywalkers?" Oops. That was a touchy subject, if he remembered ri—

"YOU NEVER LOVED ME LIKE YOU LOVED HIM! I WASTED MY LIFE TEACHING HIM, THEN FIGHTING HIM, AND FINALLY BEING KILLED BY HIM! WHY CAN'T YOU FORGET ABOUT HIM FOR ONCE? I NEED YOU!"

Qui-Gon winced again. "I was talking about Luke and Leia, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan's demeanor changed abruptly. "Oh. Well, if I were you, I'd turn around and investigate that squad of stormtroopers that is escorting two prisoners this way."

Qui-Gon turned. "That's Luke! Quickly, now!" The two Jedis rushed at the squad. Strangely, the stormtroopers scattered, and they were not forced to commence battle.

_**Due to the speed of the next few minutes, the Narrator has respectfully abdicated. The next scene will continue as a script.**_

_Qui-Gon: _"That went well. Luke, I am your grandfather."

_Obi-Wan: _"What? NOOOOOOOOO!"

_Luke_:"What? NOOOOOOOOO!"

_Han:_ "I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"

_All:_ "What? NOOOOOOOOO!"

_Stormtroopers:_ "AAAAAAH!"

_Han_: "AAAAAAH!"

_Luke:_ "Let's save the princess!"

_Han, forgetting his earlier animosity:_ "Yeah!'

_All, including the stormtroopers:_ "All for one, and one for all!"

_All dash off to save Leia._

_**Thank you for your patience. The Narrator will now resume her duties.**_

…..

"What's this? Mesa thinks it's a spaceship, make me go muy muy high!" said Jim-Jim. "Mesa can fly it, save Jedis, be muy big stuff."

…..

Darth Vader strode towards the disturbance in the Force. Strangely enough, it felt like his old master, Obi-Wan. There was another feeling there; if he didn't know better, he'd say it was Qui-Gon Jinn. But that was impossible.

….

_OR WAS IT?_


	14. Chapter 14

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away…

The narrator checked over her notes. It had been so long… She really couldn't remember what she was supposed to do. Then she realized that the story had already begun.

Wait, she hadn't written anything about the robots recently. She'd pick up with them. She also would like to note that those wishing for R2-D2 translations should press the button labeled 'review' and type a request.

…

"Artoo, have you noticed that we're not being chased anymore?"

_Bleep boop weeeee bootle._

"There's no call to be rude. I can't help that I'm so much faster than you. Why do you think the animals disappeared?"

_Bloot._

"Well, I can't see them."

_Beets bonk._

"Fine, I'll look. But if this is going to segue into one of your drunken bantha jokes, I'll—AAH! THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US! RUN!"

….

Meanwhile, back with Luke.

"How can you be my grandfather?" Luke demanded of Qui-Gon. "If Darth Vader is my father… that means…"

"NO!" shouted Qui-Gon, quite frantically. "Must—erase—mental—images! GAAAH!"

Obi-Wan sighed. Heavily. Again. "He was your mother's father. Now, aside from the fact that you are the only person that can save the Known Universe, is there any reason for me not to kill you?"

"Well, I have a lightsaber…"

"Yes?"

"And The Force…"

"And?"

"And I can make a mean plate of waffles?"

"_Now_ you're talking."

….

The narrator realized that Jim-Jim was still alive. In spite of the number of people begging her to kill him off, she actually was going to let him live for the next few chapters. Although he was insanely annoying, the plot needed him in order to advance. She knew; she had tried to kill him off before, but the plot always brought him back. It was time for the gratuitous flight scene.

…..

"Mesa flying! Mesa think it beautiful! Mesa wonders what big shiny button for! Mesa… Mesa… mesa not know how to fly! MESA GOING TO DIE! MESA PRESS SHINY EJECT BUTTON AS LAST ACT! MESA… have a parachute? Mesa ship crash, but mesa still alive! Mesa say 'mesa' lots and lots! Mesa…

…

Mesa—_No WAIT, that's not right at all…_ The NARRATOR hopes you enjoyed the superfluity of ellipsis in this, your scheduled chapter…


	15. Chapter 15

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, away…

"We have come to demand that you release the princess, o foul Emperor of Evil! Surrender immediately, or we will emulate—what's that, Qui-Gon? OH—_immolate_ you and your pristinely-clad henchman. What say you?"

Yes, Luke has been watching Lord of the Rings. Deal with it.

"How did you know?"

Luke, you have lifted at least three lines in this story from the movies.

"I did?"

Yes.

Meanwhile…

"Qui-Gon, what is up with Luke? Qui-Gon? ANSWER ME! WHY DO YOU LOVE THEM MORE? WHYYY? AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO CARES ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP?"

"Darth Vader, my loyal henchman, why are you staring at the ceiling?"

Qui-Gon was also staring at the ceiling.

….

The narrator decided it was time to talk. Skywalkers and relatives, come here.

They found themselves lifted out of reality and into a state of consciousness resembling that of a person who fell asleep on the keyboard of their computer while trying to simultaneously write a story and finish their course paper.

What?

The narrator, in the excellence of her beneficence, deigned to use quotation marks.

"Alright everyone, here's the deal. In order for this story to end reasonably, you guys are going to have to ignore me sometimes. In fact, you do your stuff, and when it's time to listen to me, I will say the code word, alright?"

Luke raised his hand. "Question! I have a question! Please call on me!"

The narrator sighed. "Yes, Luke?"

"What is the code word? Can it be Balrog? Please pleease prerelease?"

"NO! I desire for it to be Beatrice! Or perhaps Lockhart!" Obi-Wan shouted.

"If the code word should be anything, it should be Ras al-Ghul." Stated the imperturbable Qui-Gon.

Darth Vader began seriously contemplating the benefits of killing off the entire cast of this story. The narrator might forgive him—not that he cared much, either way.

The narrator blinked. "All right, everyone, that's enough! It's not too late for me to kill you all and make Darth Vader the hero!"

Silence struck them (with an assorted number of weapons. Luke thought the sonic whip was an interesting touch, given that it couldn't be used without making some noise.) They decided (silently) that it might be a good idea to listen to this insane person, otherwise she might destroy them all; Darth Vader didn't count.

"Hey!"

The narrator silenced him with a glare.

"No you didn't!"

THE NARRATOR SILENCED HIM WITH A GLARE.

. . .

After they were returned to their places and time resumed, the narrator sighed. This was getting to be troublesome. Hopefully, her agent inside would soon get things in place for THE GRAND FINALE.

DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

….

When last we saw our two droids, they were rushing helter-skelter away from the same horde of crazed creatures that had been chasing them for the last few chapters. They now appeared to have escaped, and have entered a building with what R2 called 'boodle bleep bokks.' They have discovered the room containing Princess Leia, who seems to have fallen asleep. Upon searching the room, they disclosed a book with the instructions concerning how to wake her…

"NO! I refuse to be a party to this travesty R2! Do you hear me? I REFUSE!

…\

Meanwhile, in the 'narrator' dimension…

"My lady, I have set thy plans in place. Soon, the world will be set to rights, and we can fulfill our glorious destinies!"

"So true, my loyal henchman. Now return thou to thy place, and I shall return to mine. Until next chapter, farewell!"


	16. Chapter 16

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, away…

As Jim-Jim floated, he pondered his next move—or he would have, if he could have remembered what he was doing. Unfortunately, memory did not run very deep in his family. In fact, nothing ran very deep in his family. Why his uncle, Jar-Jar, had…"Pretty!"

Promptly upon landing, he began chasing the large butterfly…er, wasp-thing through the meadows…er, swamps, of Naboo, wandering ever closer to Theed.

…

Meanwhile, back with R2-D2 and C-3PO…

"R2, I refuse to kiss Princess Leia. It would be most disrespectful, and I'm sure—wait, what's this? There is another Princess Leia! And another, and another, and another… R2, there are at least fifty princess Leias here! However shall we discover which one is correct?"

Artoo did a strange dance (Threepio still refused to believe that it signified laughter) then responded. *bleep beep blonk bleetle whirrrrr whirrrr*

If his face could have moved, it would have displayed shock and incredulity. "I can't kiss all of them! R2, NOOOOO!"

….

When time had unfrozen in the throne room, the Jedi leapt into action. Withdrawing their miraculously-reappearing lightsabers, they all rushed the Emperor simultaneously and engaged in much saber-waving and tomfoolery that would have been more impressive if they weren't attacking an elderly man 3-on-1 and LOSING.

Darth Vader stood by Han Solo and watched. Somehow, they had developed an easy camaraderie without the narrator saying anything. Han turned to him and said, "I think they forgot about saving the princess."

Darth Vader raised an eyebrow at him. "Why is my son so interested in her? Should I be concerned?"

"EW! No! She's his sister!" exclaimed Han, having been gifted by the Narrator with plot knowledge.

Vader raised both eyebrows. "I have a daughter?" He fainted.

….

The battle was going poorly for the Jedi. In spite of the fact that the Emperor was old and decrepit and didn't carry a lightsaber, his force lightning was knocking them down before they could even get up. Fortunately for them, all the stormtroopers were sitting around, eating popcorn as they watched the battle.

Just then, Darth Vader revived himself.

And realized he had a daughter.

And that his daughter had been kidnapped by a murdering, kidnapping, evil monster.

Sideous never saw it coming.

"You evil, vile snake in the grass!" Darth Vader said menacingly, as he Force-choked the Emperor. "You kidnapped _my _daughter! You will PAY!"

…

This was it.

The final showdown.

The battle that would decide the fate of the world.

The two of them locked eyes.

And the narrator called up an announcer.

"Standing by this throne, weighing about the same as a dried-up corn husk, and looking the same, Ruler of the Known Universe, Five-Time winner of the Evil Overlord of His Time award (mostly because he killed all other contenders. Although, that's kind of a tradition in that award. There was only that one time that someone won fairly, but that doesn't count, because he was the only contender in the first place, and he only wanted it as a decoration for his foyer. But that's beside the point.) and general all-around baddie, Emperor 'Darth Sideous' Palpatine!

And facing him, weighing in at the weight of a mechanized suit, but somehow _not_ looking like Iron Man, Former Darling of the Universe, He of the Smoldering Eyes, Long Hair, and Arched Brow, voted most-snuggable Jedi since Mace Windu was a kid, Now Terror of the Universe, He of the Mechanized Suit and Creepy Breathing, Voted Least Huggable Sith since Darth Maul, and general all-around conflicting character,

Anakin 'Darth Vader' Skywalker!"

"Let the match BEGIN!"


	17. Chapter 17

Once again, once upon a time, still in a galaxy, still far away…

Recap:

Darth Vader in one corner.

Palpatine in the other.

Both circling.

"Let the match BEGIN!"

.

Now, at this point, there would usually be a cool fight scene. The Narrator, however, in the coolness of her most excellent wisdom (aka laziness) has decided to skip it.

Skip skip skip.

It was all down to this. ADVS (for short) had cornered the Emperor behind his throne, and was advancing, step by step, closer and closer…

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE WORLD EXPLODED!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Or at least the throne did. Through the dust was heard a mad cackling, and when it cleared, the Emperor was gone!

"Everyone!" cried Darth Vader. "Let's get him!"

"YAAAAH!" cried Luke.

"Yaaah!" cried Obi-wan.

"Yes, let us do that." Stated Qui-Gon calmly.

"I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" screamed Han dementedly.

"AAAAAH!" they all shouted, and ran after the Emperor.

…..

Meanwhile…

Jim-Jim had finally settled down. He had found an especially comfortable spot in one of the metal ships, and had curled up for a nap. Little did he know, it was the Emperor's personal transport for emergencies. And even less did he know that Darth Sideous was hurrying ever closer…

….

Meanwhile…

The droids had discovered, through trial and error, that most of the 'Leias' were actually animatronic humanoid droids that could only repeat in a monotone, "The Emperor is awesome."

The three-hundred and thirty-fifth one, however…

SMACK!

"Ow!" moaned C-3PO.

Leia arose from her bed. "What took you all so long? And where is everybody else?"

The two droids looked at each other, then back at Princess Leia.

"Uh… We don't… really… know."

SMACK!

"Ow!"

"Come on, let's go. A girl has to do everything herself."

…..

Meanwhile…

"HEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEEEE! I am brilliant! No one expected me to blow up my own throne! "The Emperor rubbed his hands gleefully as he entered his ship. Once inside, he glanced around. "How do you start one of these things, anyway? Too bad there is not a large button that says 'press me'."

Jim-Jim was sleeping peacefully and dreaming of saving the entire galaxy, but a giant shaking of the ship that sent Jim-Jim flying off the bed interrupted him. "Mesa ship is flying. Mesa wonders why. Mesa will go to the cockpit to see if it is awesomely cool Jedis!"

Twenty seconds later…

"It _not_ awesomely cool Jedis! It is foul Emperor of Evil! Mesa must stop him! Mesa press shiny red 'DO NOT TOUCH' button! Mesa thinks it not work! Mesa will try—"

BOOOOOOOM.


	18. Chapter 18

_Once upon a time, in a galaxy far away, a girl had an idea._

_From that idea came a world of insanity, of friendships and enemyships and spaceships. Many people joined the girl in her quest of insanity, and it was good. There was even an authorial self-insert named the Narrator._

_But now._

_Now the story was coming to an end._

_The evil had been destroyed, the annoying dealt with, the good rescued._

_She did not want it all to end._

_So, she threw in one last plot twist, a few more revelations, and a slight cliffhanger._

The band of heroes reached the hangar, only to see the Emperor's ship fly out.

"NO!" cried Luke. "I thought we were almost done! We had an epic battle, we were going to destroy evil, it was AWESOME! How dare he escape like—"

BOOOOOOOM.

Silence.

"Well," said Qui-Gon, slightly perturbed. "_That_ was unexpected."

They all stood and stared at the falling, flaming spaceship parts. A thought tickled the back of Han's head. Spaceship parts… flaming…

"MY SHIP!"

Luke glanced at him. "Uh-oh."

Just as another epic battle was about to ensue, Princess Leia strode in, followed by the cringing C3-PO and the chortling R2-D2.

"WHAT is the meaning of this?" she demanded. "I thought you were here to rescue me, but no, you're all standing around fighting and watching explosions! Were you planning to just leave me here to Sidious's evil whims."

"Ma'am," came the cultured voice of Obi-Wan. "If we're not mistaken, those explosions _are _Darth Sidious."

"Oh." Breathed Leia. "I see." This man—whoever he was—his voice did things to her. This must be—

_Love._

"What's your name?"

"I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, ma'am."

"Well, Obi-Wan Kenobi, I think I'm in love with you."

He whooped. "Finally! Someone appreciates me!"

Joining hands, the two ran off together to become King and Queen of Naboo, and lived a sickening sweet life together as unconstitutional benevolent tyrants.

"WHAT!" cried the Narrator. "How dare she! _I_ was supposed to be the one who ran off with Obi! This Means War! Henchman!"

"Yes, My Lady?"

Everyone turned and stared at—

.

.

.

.

.

./

.

.

R2-D2.

Silence reigned.

Finally, he said, "It was very funny, watching you all try to interpret the beeps."

Pandemonium ensued.

"Artoo, how could you—"

"You can talk?"

"I'm better than I thought with droids."

"You can talk?"

"Ooh! Bananas!"

"Traitor!"

"YOU CAN TALK?"

"SILENCE!"

They all ducked.

"Yes, I can talk. I'm also the first droid Jedi, invented the spaceship, and I was the one who actually destroyed the Death Star. My Lady?"

The Narrator laughed evilly. "You thought this was the end, didn't you? Well think again! You may have destroyed Darth Sideous, but I am giving all his power to another, who has willingly given his heart to me in exchange for the means to seek revenge!"

"EWWW!" cried Luke. "Somebody married you?"

The Narrator stomped her foot. "No, you twerp, he gave me his heart. See?" And she held out a jar with a bloody heart inside.

"Oh." Replied Luke. "That's okay, then."

"Wait a minute." said Vader/Anakin suspiciously. "Who was this person? It wasn't me, was it?"

"No," said the Narrator impatiently, "it was—HAN SOLO!"

…

"Wow." Commented Qui-Gon. "We really should have seen that coming."

"Yes! I, Han Solo, shall rule the world! And the first thing I'll do is kill you, Luke Ship-killer!"

All of a sudden, everything froze. When the world returned to normal, Qui-Gon Jinn and Luke Skywalker had vanished.

"NOOOOO!" cried Han. "You told me I could wreak my vengeance!"

"No," smiled the Narrator smugly. "I said I would give you the tools. You are now Emperor of the Known Universe, and have billions of stormtroopers at your disposal. It's up to you to wreak your vengeance."

"I shall help you, My Lord."

The Narrator turned and stared at Vader. "Really? If you go with me, I can restore your former good looks."

Vader shrugged. "I'm actually good with this. I like working for evil overlords. They usually have good health plans, and if they annoy me, I can always kill them."

"Okay, then. I think that wraps everybody up. I think we'll just—"

"Wait! What about Chewbacca and I" cried C3-PO. "What is to become of us?" Chewie growled.

"You two will be my chief enforcers." Said Han grandly.

And the Narrator ascended to her dimension.

THE END.

.

.

.

.

_Or is it?_

Deep in the swamps of Naboo, something stirred. A faint white mist began to gather. Taking shape, it opened its mouth—

"Mesa a Force-ghost! Mesa go haunt somebodies!"

And the universe screamed.


End file.
